I was reading a notecard stuck on my wall earlier today. I wrote it a couple years ago. At the top it says “Never forget who you are” and underneath it has a list of who God says I am with verse references. My brain mindlessly scanned the list until I came to the one that said delight (Psalm 18:19). And something in me totally rejected the idea – I must have read that verse wrong 2 years ago, God can’t really think of me as a delight. So I looked it up. And guess what it says?
“He sent from on high, He took me;
he drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy
and from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because He delighted in me.”
– Psalm 18: 16 – 19
“He delighted in me.” Like, what? How can the Creator of the universe delight in me? I mean I struggle with believing that my friends delight in having me around. I go around feeling like everyone just puts up with me. Most of the time I feel like the dumbest, slowest, oddest idiot the world has ever seen. And my head replays that refrain so much that just thinking makes me cringe. And I wonder how many more days can I get through being me?
And while believing that God delights in me seems ludicrous, it is something I want to cling to because if Someone incapable of lying, who knows me in and out, no secrets, all mistakes and failures there to see, and He can call me a delight then maybe my brain won’t be able to find a reason to disbelieve that I am a delight. If consistently declared maybe it can be the ammunition that can finally silence those voices marching through my head that say I’m stupid and the world would be better off without me.
And if you’re wondering how I can be a Christian, believe in the sanctity of life, and struggle with depression to the point where at times I have contemplated taking my own life – well I don’t think I have a good answer for that. But I think the stigma around it needs to stop, which is why I am talking about it. I know there are many of us who as Christians struggle with this and most of us try to hide it because we are afraid of how others will react. Christians get depressed. Some never contemplate ending it all. Some of us never get past the contemplative stage. Some go through with it, which is heartbreaking. But I believe that God loves us no matter the mistakes we make. We can struggle with depression and still believe Jesus died for our sins and rose from the dead, just like you can struggle with anger, lust, or pride and still believe that Jesus is your Savior.
If you don’t struggle with depression, I am really happy for you. I’m glad that you don’t have to suffer though this. But please don’t judge what you have not been through yourself.
If you do struggle with depression, know that you are not alone. God says that you are a delight to Him and He is the only one who can draw you out of the dark waters. If you ever find yourself drowning in dark thoughts – please find someone to talk to. You can use the contact page on my site if you wish. Please read Psalm 18 – it contains wonderful truths about how much God loves you and how much you matter.