Too Many Emotions

Something happened 2 weeks ago that I never thought would happen. I received my Doctor of Veterinary Medicine degree. After how sick I was last year at this time I thought there was no way I get through clinics. But here I am. And I haven’t been nearly as excited as I feel like I should be. I’m exhausted from finishing up my clinical year. I’m nervous about my starting my first job as a veterinarian in a new town next week. I’m sad that I had to say goodbye to all the friends I made through vet school when I don’t know when I will see them again. I’ve been stressing over my move to a new state. Being home for a week was nice, but then I had to say goodbye to my family and my horse and hit the road again for my new home. Arranging my new apartment has been exciting, but also daunting. And it is really lonely moving to a new state by yourself.

In my 3 weeks off between last day of clinics and first day on the job I have desperately wanted to rest, but the planning and decision making don’t stop. And then I get annoyed with myself for trying to be decisive and making incorrect decisions because trying to take all the factors into account makes my brain explode.

I must let go of some things. Get a few things crossed off the to do list each day. Release the things I have no control over. Give myself a break and trust that those I’m interacting with understand how much pressure I’ve been under and will also give me a break.

Things will eventually calm down. Some days seem bent on being the most frustrating and difficult (eg. you have to change your drivers license to register your car to get your car inspected and all of them need different paperwork that has gotten scrambled and put who knows where in the move). And while I rarely see God do major things like level all my hurdles (which He could do I would just lose out on huge learning opportunities); I have definitely seen Him at work in the little things. Like my landlord being outside when I pulled in the driveway so we could talk in person instead of me trying to text him a gazillion questions. Or everyone I talked to trying to do things in the wrong order knowing exactly where I needed to go to get the first things done first. Or me somehow pulling out of my brain a cause of bovine hematuria even if it wasn’t the most likely differential.

We want to have a huge goals, but multiple small victories are so much better than never getting anywhere because the goals are too daunting to start.

So now to start chronicling my journey as a new graduate. I now there will be lots of exciting days. Really hard days. Days I can answer all the questions perfectly. Days where I don’t seem to know anything.

I’m really excited, but also really nervous. In my better mindsets I am confident God placed me in the right profession, in the right clinic, with the right people. But then in other moments I question everything.

But God is still God when believing isn’t easy. In fact He is more real then.